What a week! Sunday Kevin and I hired a Mexican and emptied (most of) my apartment into a U-Haul and I left the building. AND the city. It was a rough day and I found myself at U-Haul watching them connect an 8x5 trailer to my soft-top Jeep Wrangler and found myself for the first time during all of this in total fear. I couldn't block out the voice in my head repeating, "Blood bath. Death trap." And here it is...





That said, once I started moving and got my confidence up I forgot this giant box was trailing me. It was easier than I expected and generally a pretty perfect drive down to Florida. I got out of NY late Sunday and vowed not to drive at night so stayed in S Jersey the first night, then Richmond VA and somewhere in Shit Carolina the nights after. The pets were amazing and seemed to love the adventure as much as I did.

My horribly un-PC note is about Shit Carolina. Granted, I was really tired when I got there so I was cranky and judgemental. But when I ran into 2 cars of ghetto-ass guys in the middle of nowhere at a gas station off the highway (which only once I arrived I noticed was across the street from a skanky strip club and scary motel) I was uncomfortable and pissed at Shit Carolina for serving this crap up to me. Then I drove like the devil as far as I could before dark and got a cheap motel, which was fine except there was only a Wendy's at a 'restaurant' having steak night. At this point my chest was tight and my back was sore and I wanted to chill out, have dinner, and have a strong drink. So I went to the steak night. I ordered one of the only things non-meat on the menu - catfish. "Ma'am, we are all AOUT of catfish darlin', saaarry." Then I ordered the salmon. All of out that too. She recommended the cod, I took it, it was clearly frozen for 10 years and more fried than freeze-dried fish. Plus french fries. A perfectly disgusting plate of brown food. AND... they didn't serve alcohol. Pissed as hell I went next door to Wendy's where I asked for a grilled cheese - basically a burger with no meat. The whole staff made fun of me and mocked me and I hated them, so I ordered a Frosty and only ate that. Then I went to my motel and opened a $70 bottle of wine that I was saving. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The following day I met the rents at Jekyll Island in S Georgia. Cute little hotel right on the beach. I brought Sadie out to see the ocean for the first time - yayy! Here's what she did...





(first step into the ocean, she peed. first dead horseshoe crab she found, she violently rubbed against it. classy girl)

From there I drove to my parent's house in N Florida, which is so quiet and surrounded by beautiful gardens, overlooking a lake. Unpacking and reorganizing is a bitch but not having to conform to a schedule or be anywhere makes it more than bearable. I've been dying for exercise and went 10 miles away to a state park today to hike where I discovered miles and miles of Jeep off-road trails. With the top down, the sunshine on my shoulders and my music cranked up I took on the trails and beat the shit out of them. My Jeep was tilted to the side at 45 degrees and bouncing over bumps that threw everything in the Jeep up a foot and it was the best feeling I've had in months. I went on to hike for an hour and then go back to my parents, where we hopped on the pontoon boat and boated to a bar and back. Today was a good day!!

'Other Side of the World' Playlist

For literally months I've been keeping a log of all the songs that have been inspiring and meaningful during this decision-making process and played it on and off during my drive down to Florida. For keeps sake, a snapshot...

I < NY = humbled

I am moving tomorrow. I am leaving NYC behind. As I sit here in my apartment that is so cozy and feels like HOME to me I'm not really seeing that sink in. I think I should be crying my eyes out and calling everyone I love and telling them so over and over. I am aware of the strength of my defenses more than I am able to feel the pain of the preface to this transition. I think it may be because, in my mind, I have been swallowing this a piece at a time and although I am full following each course, I know the dessert is worth waiting for.

Today Tangent was my rock and my hero. He helped tackle the stuff that was left that I was avoiding as long as I could. He and I had a superstar couple of hours of packing up the Jeep and completing Mission Post Office Hudson. It was hard work but we stayed strong and kicked ass!

Tonight I'm sitting here on my stained couch watching my hot flat-screen tv that's sitting on a random table chair. To my left is a 8ft x 5ft box - marked with green hoop tape on the floor - that I've started piling my numbered boxes in. I still have shit all over but I'm pretty sure my organization skills are above average and I'm really not afraid to say so.

My pets are acting intimidated with a side of sadness and shame. I have prepared their travel area and bags very well and am happy to have a comfy area scoped out so they feel pimped out. My little pimps.

So long, New York. You brought me up. You showed me how it is and challenged the shit out of me. I think I put up a good fight, and for the record... you not-even-once intimidated me. Let's make that clear. You were my playground and to some parts of me, my grave. You made me forget my real priorities and blinded me with the excitement of accumulation and materialism. But you also sat next to me on the subway in your religious garb eating the smelliest, nastiest shit I've ever seen. I love you for that.

My love goes out to this big city tonight. The lights that surround me. The dirty subways down the stairs. The people speaking other languages and celebrating holidays I've never heard of. The people who sit on a subway together... the businessmen, students, blue collar, white collar, homeless, dirty, perfectly dressed, stroller-carrying nannies, douchebags, blue shirt army lieutenants, artsy freaks, hip-hop groups, mariachi bands, high school kids, tourists, tourists, too many tourists, breakdancers, loud ugly couples fighting and sweet people who shoot you a sly smile.

Quite Possibly the Catalyst

I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but an Alanis Morissette song moved me to explore things I thought were a little out-of-reach. It turns out it was that needed gift that I connected with and GOT IT. Lyrics ...

Who
Who am I to be blue
Look at my family and fortune
Look at my friends and my house

Who
Who am I to feel deadend
Who am I to feel spent
Look at my health and my money

And where
Where do I go to feel good
Why do I still look outside me
When clearly I�ve seen it won�t work

Is it my calling to keep on when I�m unable
And is it my job to be selfless extraordinary
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer

And why
Why do I feel so ungrateful
Me who is far beyond survival
Me who see life as an oyster

Is it my calling to keep on when I�m unable
And is it my job to be selfless extraodinary
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer

And how
How dare I rest on my laurels
How dare I ignore an outstretched hand
How dare I ignore a third world country

Is it my calling to keep on when I�m unable
And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairy
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer

Who
Who am I to be woo

the pet revolt!

Today I came home to a packed away bag of clothes pulled all the way to the middle of the apartment, split to pieces with all the contents perfectly molded into a little nest. Per Sadie.

I also found one of my packed up cardboard boxes, pried open with a giant furry orange kitty peaking out.

The pets are revolting! They are unpacking us!!!

I think they have spoken on behalf of my subconscious, who despite my excitement and movement, is digging its feet in the sand and trying to stay RIGHT HERE.

Tomorrow is my last day at work. The excitement and sadness that surrounds that statement is a little more than I can handle tonight. I am so excited. I also am suffering from a huge feeling of loss. My job has never just been 'my job'. My colleagues are some of my best friends who have known me for years and know what gives me a rush... what pisses me off... what makes me happy... what makes me annoyed... what makes me 'tick'. And so many other things. The reality is they are my family. I've been with some or all of them over 10 years. We've seen each other through relationships, life phases, heartbreaks, successes, love and loss, growth... difficult times, life-changing things... and tomorrow I walk away and leave behind the memory of these relationships. And tonight, that breaks my little heart to pieces.

Hundreds and hundreds of little pieces.

Expanding Your Comfort Zone

RT @dailyom.com

The Boundaries Of Experience
Expanding Your Comfort Zone

Leaving your comfort zone of current patterns and behaviors is a courageous step toward self-growth.

None of us are born with a guidebook that provides explicit rules for thought and behavior that will enable us to navigate life successfully. To cope with the myriad of complexities to which all of humanity is subject, we each develop a set of habits and routines that ground us, their continuity assuring us that life is progressing normally. Most of us know, whether instinctively or by experience, that transformations can be uncomfortable, but we always learn and gain so much. Any initial discomfort we experience when expanding our comfort zones diminishes gradually as we both become accustomed to change and begin to understand that temporary discomfort is a small price to pay for the evolution of our soul.

Your current comfort zone did, at one time, serve a purpose in your life. But it is representative of behaviors and patterns of thought that empowered you to cope with challenges of days past. Now, this comfort zone does little to facilitate the growth you wish to achieve in the present. Leaving your comfort zone behind through personal expansion of any kind can prepare you to take the larger leaps of faith that will, in time, help you refine your purpose. Work your way outward at your own pace, and try not to let your discomfort interfere with your resolve. With the passage of each well-earned triumph, you will have grown and your comfort zone will have expanded to accommodate this evolution.

Whether your comfort zone is living with your parents, or perhaps being too shy to socialize, or maybe it’s not realizing your spirit self—whatever it is, start small, and you will discover that venturing beyond the limited comfort zone you now cling to is not as stressful an experience as you imagined it might be. And the joy you feel upon challenging yourself in this way will nearly always outweigh your discomfort. As you continue to expand your comfort zone to include new ideas, activities, goals, and experiences, you will see that you are capable of stimulating change and coping with the fresh challenges that accompany it.

THE PLAN

I've been asked 2 questions pretty frequently lately and want to talk about them here.

1) WHY?

The funny thing is I find myself giving a different answer to everyone who asks. All the reasons are true and I am passionate about them so I find it really funny that I divulge different things to different people!

At the core of it all, I need a break from corporate life. For the first 30 years of my life I think I've dedicated all of me to my success. My achievements. But it's more than that, it's 'business' achievements. That corporate ladder deal. A few months ago I was in a lecture that encouraged me to draw a pie chart and separate out how much of your time is used for each part of your life. I really thought I was more than my title, but as I stared at this paper I felt a sense of shock overcome me. My pie chart allotted around 75% of my time/effort to work. Socializing, traveling, learning, exploring, giving, sweating... all of those combined was only 1/4 of what I am actually doing with my life. That's so wrong.

I also never thought I could achieve all the things I have. If you would have told me I'd be managing a sales team at a publicly traded company I would probably have had to look up what that meant. I feel great about who I've become professionally and am very proud of my accomplishments.

But the reality is that's one part of my life. 75% of it actually. But does the value of the reward I feel equate to the time I spend on it? Or in my business terms, I have the propensity to spend a lot of time at work but my engagement and value in such action is under-indexing.

Another reality is the direction my mind is heading. It's not in one direction, per se, but it's looking around and looking waaaaaaay out there. That is the kind of curiosity that drives you. In fact it won't allow you to stay still.

I'm really proud of where I've come and feel like I've achieved more than I thought I ever could. I want to feel that high and move on to what's next. I've dedicated a third of my life to my career and the things I learned are valuable and will still be valuable in 6 months or a year. And if I want to return to business I really feel confident I can do so and my relationships, experience and karma will help me in every step.

But until then I am exploring other things that are now 100% of my pie. Traveling, impacting the vitality of wildlife in Africa; learning about the animals, cultures and plants in Botswana and Uganda; photographing nature; living under the stars in nature; learning different cultures and languages; scaring the shit out of myself by daring myself to fear not what is unknown in my path; .... and I could go on for pages on this...

2) WHERE?

I am driving to my parent's place in Florida in about 2 weeks with my pets and ... dun dun dun!!!!... michelle/t3/chuck (this is just decided and awesome!!)

April 21st I head to Cape Town, S Africa and am there through the end of the month.

MAY: Cheetah Conservation Project in Botswana: http://www.cheetahbotswana.com/
There I am a Research Assistance way the eff out in the bush. I'll be working with a few scientist that are based in a camp that track the behaviors of Cheetahs and work with the farmers to educate them about the nearing extincting of Cheetahs and help them protect their livestock from Cheetahs (so they don't kill them).

JUNE: Heading up to Uganda to help my friend Justin with his not-for-profit, In Movement: http://www.inmovement.org
Justin has been over in Uganda for 3 1/2 years and is a friend of mine from when we lived in SF. His organization provides the Kampala kids with art education. I am just there to pitch in wherever they need it. I anticipate this will be the difficult part of my trip for me, emotionally. I am also looking forward to it for that reason.

JULY: I am moving to Barcelona for 6 months! I've been there twice, the last time 4 years ago. My mom flew out too and I expressed to her at that time that I wanted to quit and move there. I love the language, the people, the nature, the people, the ART. I never did it. Of course I didn't. Don't we all dream like that when we're on vacation?

The thing is, that thought never left my mind. It may have faded at times, but I can truly say it's the only city I've REALLY wanted to live in that I haven't. I've got NYC, San Francisco and Seattle down. To me this is a natural progression. Especially since I've been looking for my next step to me bold.

So yes, I know Spanish un poco. Yes, I have an apartment in place for when I arrive there July 1st. Yes, I've saved enough money so although I'm in unemployed world I will not starve. Once there I'm planning to take Spanish lessons. I picked out the school when I was there with my mom. It's 1 week classes so I can pick it up and drop it based on the other 99% of my life. I plan to take pottery and painting classes. I plan to live on the beach July and August with the exception of the Burningman-inspired 'NoWhere' - http://www.goingnowhere.org/ - in July. It's like Burningman... in the desert of Spain! A few less people... only 500 (compared to 35000ish in the states)!!

I really also want to study Yoga as my part-time job there... 'cause I can!

OK, there's the background. I am glowing. Excited! SO effing excited!!

So like 6 months ago I was inspired by an article in one of my hippie mags that defined *metacommitments*, which is “a vow you make with your own soul, with that part of your being that underlies your personality, the part of you that connects to the eternal.”

They listed these *metacommitments*. I find myself going back to the notes I took when I read this and it really hits home with me. These are the metacommitments that I wrote into my journal when I read that article.

* to love in all circumstances
* to be of service
* to make your first priority ongoing transformation and growth
* to find out what is ultimately real
* to make community
* to make beauty
* to be compassionate
* to help make the world better
* to live as your highest self

SHIT, That's a tall order!! Yet becoming closer to reality than I ever expected. I light up knowing I'm chasing my inner values with no regard for what's left behind or what might not fit into the footprint that is a single 33yr old successful American woman.

"War Dance"... Rent it.

War Dance
(War/Dance)
2006PG-13105 minutes

Set in civil war-ravaged Northern Uganda, this Best Documentary Oscar nominee follows the lives of three youngsters who attend school in a refugee camp and find hope through a rich tradition of song and dance. Coming from a world in which children are abducted from their families and forced to fight in the rebel army, these kids give it their all when they travel to the capital city to take part in the prestigious Kampala Music Festival.

****

In the midst of my research of that far away continent, Africa, I came across this and watched it tonight via Netflix. It's HIGHLY recommended unless you are a member of my immediate family. Mom, Dad, Kevin, if you're reading just close out and ignore. If you are not a family member who thinks I'm going to be diseased and hunted because I'm going to Africa, this movie is heartwarming and intensively touching. I will be staying near Kampala, the main city they visit at the end.

On a personal note, despite this being a real-life documentary I still can't imagine what I will see and feel when I am actually in Uganda. The poverty and horrible stories told in this documentary are not just in a movie... I have to expect to see all if it and still have my heart beat on. My heart will be breaking a lot, and I'm not ready for that but I'm working on it. It will be really hard to be there and engage with and live with a bunch of people(s) that I can't just HELP. Where do you start?

And another thing. Who am I to say they need to be helped? Last time I checked the enormous stress that the urban, educated society holds on its hunched-over laptop-obsessed shoulders continues to develop into these societies that numb emotion and closeness in an attempt to encompass independence (financially. emotionally.) and build POWER.

((end rant))

Barcelona, Meet Suzi

I've recently posted some info on bringing dogs in and out of Spain. This has all stemmed from this dream I've had since I visited Barcelona (again) with my mom and fell head-over-heels for it. When we were there I thought I wanted to quit my job and move there to study Spanish. Mom and I visited a bunch of language schools and I even found one I wanted to go to. It wasn't realistic at the time and I still had things I was trying to accomplish back home.

Times change, people change... but dreams remain. Faced with the opportunity of having time and some money I have decided... Why the hell not!? I'm gonna live in Spain!!

So my itinerary has evolved and pieces are coming together organically and my vision is blossoming. As of today, I am spending my 2 months in Africa and then getting an apartment in Barcelona for 4 months. Or more! Or less! Wherever it takes me I'm willing to go. But I do know that moving to Barcelona for a few months feels right. It makes me incredibly excited and I want to run towards it like a light-addicted moth runs towards that solitary bulb in the darkness.

It turns out there are no quarantine rules going to Spain or coming back to the US for dogs so I am going to fly Miss Sadie to Spain so I have my buddy with me. Horray! After settling in I plan to take Spanish immersion courses, which are 4 hours a day. Outside of that I'll wake up when I want, have coffee at the cafe and enjoy the morning. I'll read and wander the streets and visit museums. And enjoy just living, without work or the typical responsibilities we're all surrounded by living in the corporate, urban world.

Perspective can't hide from me.

Bringing Dog Back to US from Spain

http://www.cdc.gov/animalimportation/dogs.html

Bringing a Dog into the United States
A husky puppy looks at the camera.

Pet dogs are subject to inspection at ports of entry.

A general certificate of health is not required by CDC for entry of pet dogs into the United States, although some airlines or states may require them. However, pet dogs are subject to inspection at ports of entry and may be denied entry into the United States if they have evidence of an infectious disease that can be transmitted to humans. If a dog appears to be ill, further examination by a licensed veterinarian at the owner's expense might be required at the port of entry.
Proof of Rabies Vaccination

Dogs must have a certificate showing they have been vaccinated against rabies at least 30 days prior to entry into the United States. These requirements apply equally to service animals such as Seeing Eye dogs.
Importation of Unvaccinated Dogs

Dogs not accompanied by proof of rabies vaccination, including those that are too young to be vaccinated (i.e. less than 3 months of age), may be admitted if the importer completes a confinement agreement (see below) and confines the animal until it is considered adequately vaccinated against rabies (the vaccine is not considered effective until 30 days after the date of vaccination). Spanish, French, and Russian translations of form CDC 75.37 are available, but must be completed in English.

Confinement agreement (form CDC 75.37) Adobe PDF file [PDF - 1 page]

Translations of the form CDC 75.37 are also available:

* Spanish Adobe PDF file [PDF - 1 page]
* French Adobe PDF file [PDF - 1 page]
* Russian Adobe PDF file [PDF - 1 page]

Puppies that are too young to be vaccinated (i.e. less than 3 months of age) must be kept in confinement until they are old enough to be vaccinated, and then confined for at least 30 days after the date of vaccination.

Unvaccinated dogs must be vaccinated within 4 days of arrival at their final U.S. destination and within 10 days of entry into the United States, and must be kept in confinement for at least 30 days after the date of vaccination.

Dogs may not be sold or transferred to other owners during this period of confinement, and the person that signs the confinement agreement is responsible for ensuring the conditions of the agreement are met.

Importers must provide a contact address where the dog will be kept during the confinement period. If the importer will be housing the dog at several addresses or traveling with the animal, all points of contact must be provided.
Importation of Dogs from Rabies-free Countries

Unvaccinated dogs may be imported without a requirement for proof of rabies vaccination if they have been located for a minimum of 6 months or more in countries that are free of rabies.

Following importation, all dogs are subject to state and local vaccination or health certificate requirements. All pet dogs arriving in the state of HawaiiExternal Web Site Icon and the territory of GuamExternal Web Site Icon, even from the U.S. mainland, are subject to locally imposed quarantine requirements. Additional information can be found in the Compendium of Animal Rabies Prevention and Control.
Importation of Dogs for Commercial/Breeding purposes

There are no separate CDC regulations for dogs to be used for commercial purposes, rather than as pets. The rules for bringing domestic dogs into the United States are covered under U.S. regulation 42 CFR 71.51External Web Site Icon. When importing puppies, the importer is responsible for maintaining quarantine according to the vaccination and confinement agreement signed at the time of importation.

Info on moving a pet to Spain

If you’re from the USA or Canada, the Spanish government has recently simplified the procedure for bringing your pets into the country. Follow these instructions from the Spanish Embassy. I would assume that for other non-EU countries, importing your pets is the same or at least very similar, but confirm with your nearest Spanish consulate. You can download the veterinarian pet certificate from the link on the right.
Requirements for the import of cats, dogs, and ferrets

The following requirements concern the non-commercial importing of cats, dogs, and ferrets into Spain.

It’s considered non-commercial if importing only up to five animals without commercial purposes (not being part of a sale or with the intention to sell).

The entry of dogs, cats, or ferrets under three months of age is not allowed.

In Spain the ownership certain types of dogs is subject to strict requirements regarding registration and safety.

Identification of animals

All animals will be identified with either a tattoo or a microchip compatible with standards ISO-11784 or ISO-11785. If the animals are identified with a non-compatible microchip, the importer must supply the appropriate reading equipment.

Certificate

The animals will also be accompanied by a veterinary certificate, issued by an Official Veterinarian, which will include the following:

* Identification of the owner or person responsible for the animal(s)
* Description and origin of the animal(s)
* Microchip or tattoo number, location and date of insertion.
* Information on the rabies vaccine (the vaccine type must be inactive, and in compliance with the standards of the OIE).

The veterinary certificate will be valid for 4 months or until the vaccine’s expiration date, whichever is first. Animals without the certificate will be denied entry into Spain. For animals from the United States and Canada traveling to Spain, parts V, VI, and VII of the certificate do not need to be filled. (download this form from the links on the right)

United States: the veterinary certificate may be filled out by any veterinarian accredited by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, USDA/APHIS, under the National Veterinary Accreditation Program, NVAP. However, once filled out, the certificate must be endorsed by an Official Veterinary employed by the Veterinary Services, Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service (VS/APHIS) of the Department of Agriculture. First, ask your veterinarian whether they are accredited under NVAP. If that is not the case, please contact the Area Office of VS/APHIS to request a list of accredited veterinarians near your place of residence. Once the accredited veterinarian has filled and signed the certificate, it will need the endorsement (signature) of a VS/APHIS Official Veterinarian. The accredited veterinarian or VS/APHIS Area Office can inform you of the procedure.

Canada: The certificate must be signed by a licensed veterinarian and endorsed by an Official Veterinarian from the Canadian Food Inspection Agency (CFIA).

The cage or carrier in which the animal is travelling must be labelled with the name, address in Spain, and phone number of the owner or the owner’s representative.

Once in Spain, pet animals need a passport, according to the European Union model, in order to travel to other countries the EU. Ask your veterinarian in Spain about the passport.

There are other requirements for owning a potentially dangerous dog in Spain. See the requirements at the link on the right.

Yes, I am Glowing.

I just got my first of 3 shots I need for the rabies vaccine. They're $300 a pop! I better get bitten.

The other vaccines I've gotten so far are:
Hep A
Hep B
Polio
Typhoid
Yellow Fever
Cholera
Meningitis

On top of that I have Maleria meds that I will be taking every day over there.

On a positive note, by shot today was magenta and a very pretty color. So I've got some magenta chemicals running through my veins. Pretty... (scary)

Written From the Road: Travel Training

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I anticipated the past 24 hours to be ‘travel training,’ but I never expected the adventure to be quite the clusterfuck it’s become. That said… this past day has proven to be incredible preparation for what’s to come. I’m proud to see how patient, calm and optimistic I’ve been despite the ongoing tribulations.

The recap: I was scheduled to fly to Cancun on a direct flight from JFK yesterday morning. At 11pm the night before the flight was cancelled due to the ‘blizzard-like’ conditions that were expected to hit New York. At some time in the early morning someone else going on the trip emailed me that the flight was back on. I was up at 6 and out the door with my giant new backpack, my yoga mat and some crust still in my eyes. Quite zombie-like I made my way to the subway and then to the LIRR. Just as I was arriving in Jamaica to hop onto the Air Train I got an email that the airport was closed. I was so tired and carrying such a heavy load. This was the worst news. So I paid peak fares back to NYC and went back to bed.

Around noon I woke to a flurry of emails from the others that were on my flight. They’d spent the past few hours researching options and were hopping Amtrak to Rochester to catch a flight to Cancun with a connection in Baltimore. I hadn’t met these people before and this sounded nuts even for me, but it also sounded like an adventure, and I decided… if I wasn’t going to be in Cancun I might as well do something!

So, I met my new friends in the Amtrak station around 3. It’s a group of 2 girlfriends, Meredith and Allison, and a guy named Alex. I immediately feel old having about 10 years on the girls, but they are very sweet and friendly.

We headed up on Amtrak and when we hit Albany Meredith gets a call telling us our Rochester-Baltimore flight has been cancelled. It was quite comical. We all sat there looking at each other… now what? A woman on the train tells us she was able to find a flight out of Cleveland. After a couple hours on the Blackberry we book 2 separate flights from Cleveland to Cancun in the morning.

The train pulls into Cleveland around 3am and we head to the airport. Alex and I checked in for our Continental flight. Allison and Meredith scored seats on a ‘USA 3000’ flight that leaves 2 hours after mine. Yes, the airline is called USA 3000. No, we never heard of it either.

I slept on a chair in the airport for about 2 hours and then made my way through security, boarded and FINALLY departed for Cancun! I will be arriving around 1pm Thursday, which is just 24 hours later than I had planned.

If nothing else this has made me earn my vacation and think that the relaxation and beach will all be more worth it since it was such an adventure getting there. I haven’t really felt an ounce of stress, though. I’m taking it as it comes. I’m laughing a lot. I’m being flexible. I'm thrilled for the adventure behind and before me.

Sweet Surrender is all I have to Give

All of this unknown and insecurity stirring inside of me.

Deep breaths.

All is safe. Harm yields the biggest shadow but as I look ahead, I am blinded by the light.
I breathe.
re-adjust.
squint.
try to see.

Despite all the harsh rays trying to blind me... out beyond my physical surroundings there is a beauty in the depth that is beyond.

My current sanity would be saved by a little love.
<< right here >>

giant hugs

i never thought a week could change everything.

i have absorbed the radiating beauty of this incredibly loving and fun group of women that are my seattle ladies this past weekend... and am a changed woman for it. i am so full of gratitude and awe that my chest is achy and my eyes are wide and sparkling. i have waited so long for the day to come, where i would exhale and find intent within me and the confidence i've been waiting for. i can release some of the anger and resentment and strip myself of my this overwhelming uncertainty, pain and melancholy.

i realized not only my heart was broken, my soul was.

it shattered in the same fierceness that of a plate thrown against a wall during a screaming fight.

i was in pieces.
it hurt so bad.
i couldn't recognize myself.
i couldn't remember who i was.
it rained for 20 days.

-- (actually it did) --

'i've had the time of my life...' and i'll cherish it as best i can.
thanks to the weekend to celebrate the bachelorette, erin. and to the 15 women who made me laugh so much my belly ached, sing at the top of my lungs, smile bigger than have in months, cry until i got it out, love until i found myself somewhere in the middle of giant hugs just fluttering inside. holy shit i needed that!

On The Radio: Regina Spektor

On The Radio lyrics
Songwriters: Spektor, Regina;

This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd

While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep

And all the Styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some words
To aid in the decay

But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees

While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again

On the radio
We heard, 'November Rain'
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Case the DJ was asleep

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear, 'November Rain'
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep

On the radio, on the radio
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio, uh oh
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio

West Siiiiiiiidddeeeeee

Amidst the coldest and rainiest spring I've ever experienced - keeping in mind I had 2 springs in Seattle... a beautiful day appeared. You had to look to find it. Clouds tried to stand in its way and cool breezes ran through it. Somewhere in there was a pretty day where people celebrated the sun that finally shone through! And visited the west side of the village. It's about time.

Pray For Grace: Michael Franti and Spearhead

Why must I feel like this today
I'm a soldier but afraid sometimes
To face the things that may
Block the sun from shinin' rays
And fill my life with shades of grey
But still I long to find a way
So today I pray for grace

I take a moment to myself
So I can myself
To feel myself
And be real myself
Life's addictions and afflictions
Cause abrasions from their friction
Sometimes, it's easier to live in fiction
I can run, but I can't hide
From the pains that
Reside deep down inside
There is no pill
That can be swallowed
There is no guru
That can be followed
There's no escapin'
From my own history
Those that I hurt,
And those that hurt me
I was dead for a million years
'Fore I was born and
I'll be dead for a million more
After I'm gone
So I live, to give somethin'
That can live on
Like the way you hum a song when the music's gone
Like the warmth on the sand
When the sun goes down
And I'm sittin' with myself
Nobody else is around but,

(chorus)

Been a long, long time
Since I been away
Been a long, long time
Since I felt this way
Been a long, long time
I found the words to say
How much I'm grateful
For my life today
'Cause under every cup
You might find a nut
Behind every corner
You might get jacked up
At the end of every rainbow,
You might find gold
The last bite of your sandwich,
Hope you don't find mould
'Cause none of us
Can live the perfect life
The kind that we see on nick at night
And sometimes, we all
Just lose sight
Of the pain that will guide us
From dark into the light
We fall down yes, but we get up,
And sometimes we just need
A little bit of love
To help make it
Through another day
Into the night, into the light,
Into a Saturday
So in the morning when I'm waitin'
For the sun to raise
And my head's a little foggy
Like I'm in a haze
I remind myself that
Everything is gonna be okay
I take a breath, slow down and say....

(chorus)

my little puddle

life has been incredibly still. once in a while there's a raindrop... just one large and powerful one... that drops into my little puddle and sends waves pulsating throughout my whole being. from above it's epic and beautiful. from within the movement makes me dizzy and unsure where i am or if i am still there at all. and then it's calm again. for the time being.

living in ny my puddle can get dirty. my dog pisses on it ((incredibly literally in fact)). pollution in various forms meddle in it. but after the storms i am clearer. cleaner. purer.

today i sit here trying to remember who i am. i've been in hibernation and helpless for a long time, and i'm done with it. i need to set goals! to start...

DANCE. really hard. get all lost in it. this can certainly be done alone.
(check! dave matthews live concert on tv brilliantly drove me to it. yay!)
BREATHE. deeply. more.
WRITE. nothing makes you examine yourself more than having to put it on paper.
(trying!)
EVOLVE. i am in there. i must not fear finding who i am today.
BE. with no excuses.

i know that from here i can't see how epic it is, but it is. it's time. it's ON.