June 29, 2010

Today my feat was not feeling ill after any meal. it's been at least a week since i could say that.

my week in kenya was so magical and yet i am consumed with my memories of feeling so sick. i don't even think i can conjure up the many thoughts i had, which is disappointing because the wildlife and good company was unsurpassed. 16 lions - 13 cubs with 3 moms. if i could only find the words to explain how my heart was full...

i was cared for by my guide and the people at the camp in ways i don't even know. in and out of sleep i'd find a plate of food with someone encouraging me to eat. i'd have a few bites, fall back into deep sleep, be awoken with a plate of fruit and a friend asking questions and trying to translate the mumbles and hand gestures coming from my sad pile of blankets and pillows. i understand how people die from malaria. or whatever parasite that was. it was the first time in years i couldn't help myself even if i wanted to and when i stood up i was lighter than myself, sort of floating in a blur. i felt closer to being an angel than i did a human. or a soul, is what i should say. my soul was who i was. i was lucky not to fall over because my legs were soft and i was disorientated.

my days since have brought me to amsterdam where i am staying in a luxury room booked on points. the first thing i did was take a hot bubble bath and i slept about 28 hours last night. outside of that - i'm in amsterdam... life is ridiculously perfect. wake, walk around, love the little canals and people on bikes, walk, people watch, cobblestones under foot, sit outside of a small cafe and have a mineral water, watch, walk again, observe the many bikes that go by and the interesting people on top of them, pop into coffee shop, chill and be chatted up by young stoner boys and rastas, walk. sit outside, eat thai food. walk. stop and have a heineken. read. walk. repeat. i have 3 days to do this and can't be happier. so many tiny little alleys and canals to cover - HEAVEN.

Today I weighed myself three times. The first time put me 10 pounds under what I was in Uganda. The second, 7 under. The third, 5 under. My body perception has been one of the more interesting things for me on this trip. For over a month I didn't have a full-length mirror and only looked in a tiny compact mirror once every couple days. I have never felt as confident as I did those days. I was active and in the sun and nature and felt I shed pounds, had been blessed with good hair all of a sudden and looked fit. I've had a difficult few years and haven't felt fit or thin in a very long time. In fact I have been stupid critical during this time. But I feel different. I feel fit, good.

Funny enough when I had my first look in a mirror after over a month I looked like I did the last time I saw myself, and not the little twig I was making myself in mind. Not the perfectly messy 'do' I expected. I was the same Suzi I was months ago.

I've learned from this. What a fucking lesson. When you know how critical you are of yourself, can you change it? The view comes through your eyes, not a mirror, doesn't it?

My last note has to address the sunset. As I've been on the equator for a month I am conditioned to expect the sun to set at 6 or 7. The sun in Amsterdam during the summer sets around 11. It took me a day and a lot of confusion to figure this out. Viva LIGHT!