giant hugs

i never thought a week could change everything.

i have absorbed the radiating beauty of this incredibly loving and fun group of women that are my seattle ladies this past weekend... and am a changed woman for it. i am so full of gratitude and awe that my chest is achy and my eyes are wide and sparkling. i have waited so long for the day to come, where i would exhale and find intent within me and the confidence i've been waiting for. i can release some of the anger and resentment and strip myself of my this overwhelming uncertainty, pain and melancholy.

i realized not only my heart was broken, my soul was.

it shattered in the same fierceness that of a plate thrown against a wall during a screaming fight.

i was in pieces.
it hurt so bad.
i couldn't recognize myself.
i couldn't remember who i was.
it rained for 20 days.

-- (actually it did) --

'i've had the time of my life...' and i'll cherish it as best i can.
thanks to the weekend to celebrate the bachelorette, erin. and to the 15 women who made me laugh so much my belly ached, sing at the top of my lungs, smile bigger than have in months, cry until i got it out, love until i found myself somewhere in the middle of giant hugs just fluttering inside. holy shit i needed that!

On The Radio: Regina Spektor

On The Radio lyrics
Songwriters: Spektor, Regina;

This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd

While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep

And all the Styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some words
To aid in the decay

But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees

While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again

On the radio
We heard, 'November Rain'
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Case the DJ was asleep

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear, 'November Rain'
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep

On the radio, on the radio
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio, uh oh
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio

West Siiiiiiiidddeeeeee

Amidst the coldest and rainiest spring I've ever experienced - keeping in mind I had 2 springs in Seattle... a beautiful day appeared. You had to look to find it. Clouds tried to stand in its way and cool breezes ran through it. Somewhere in there was a pretty day where people celebrated the sun that finally shone through! And visited the west side of the village. It's about time.

Pray For Grace: Michael Franti and Spearhead

Why must I feel like this today
I'm a soldier but afraid sometimes
To face the things that may
Block the sun from shinin' rays
And fill my life with shades of grey
But still I long to find a way
So today I pray for grace

I take a moment to myself
So I can myself
To feel myself
And be real myself
Life's addictions and afflictions
Cause abrasions from their friction
Sometimes, it's easier to live in fiction
I can run, but I can't hide
From the pains that
Reside deep down inside
There is no pill
That can be swallowed
There is no guru
That can be followed
There's no escapin'
From my own history
Those that I hurt,
And those that hurt me
I was dead for a million years
'Fore I was born and
I'll be dead for a million more
After I'm gone
So I live, to give somethin'
That can live on
Like the way you hum a song when the music's gone
Like the warmth on the sand
When the sun goes down
And I'm sittin' with myself
Nobody else is around but,

(chorus)

Been a long, long time
Since I been away
Been a long, long time
Since I felt this way
Been a long, long time
I found the words to say
How much I'm grateful
For my life today
'Cause under every cup
You might find a nut
Behind every corner
You might get jacked up
At the end of every rainbow,
You might find gold
The last bite of your sandwich,
Hope you don't find mould
'Cause none of us
Can live the perfect life
The kind that we see on nick at night
And sometimes, we all
Just lose sight
Of the pain that will guide us
From dark into the light
We fall down yes, but we get up,
And sometimes we just need
A little bit of love
To help make it
Through another day
Into the night, into the light,
Into a Saturday
So in the morning when I'm waitin'
For the sun to raise
And my head's a little foggy
Like I'm in a haze
I remind myself that
Everything is gonna be okay
I take a breath, slow down and say....

(chorus)

my little puddle

life has been incredibly still. once in a while there's a raindrop... just one large and powerful one... that drops into my little puddle and sends waves pulsating throughout my whole being. from above it's epic and beautiful. from within the movement makes me dizzy and unsure where i am or if i am still there at all. and then it's calm again. for the time being.

living in ny my puddle can get dirty. my dog pisses on it ((incredibly literally in fact)). pollution in various forms meddle in it. but after the storms i am clearer. cleaner. purer.

today i sit here trying to remember who i am. i've been in hibernation and helpless for a long time, and i'm done with it. i need to set goals! to start...

DANCE. really hard. get all lost in it. this can certainly be done alone.
(check! dave matthews live concert on tv brilliantly drove me to it. yay!)
BREATHE. deeply. more.
WRITE. nothing makes you examine yourself more than having to put it on paper.
(trying!)
EVOLVE. i am in there. i must not fear finding who i am today.
BE. with no excuses.

i know that from here i can't see how epic it is, but it is. it's time. it's ON.