my last night in barcelona. for now.

it's fuckingbullshit. i am weeping like a little girl and pouting my lower lip out like it's been hit with a baseball. nothing feels sweet and buttterfly-like. it feels sad and scary because of the genuine comfort i feel in life RIGHT..NOW. it feels like the end of a play, when everyone hugs and does a full-crew curtsy for the crowd. it's astounding to look around at these people you've spent difficult and funny times with. people you started to get *at the core*, and people you let yourself just be YOU (ME) with. and the reality is, this is the end of this play. all the characters have learned their places and found a place to be comfortable and totally crazy and expressive. we know how we interact with each others' characters. we have certain ones where we have an unspoken relationship with and secretly look after, love, flirt, adore. we have others who we are used to standing in the same room with for hours each week, yet know nothing of them... or don't fucking care... and each piece is essential to the machine running properly. the dynamic on a macro level is perfection and ridiculously beautiful.

i had a series of love-at-first-sight moments here, with more people i've allowed in in a really long time. for the first time in a long time i feel surrounded by a family, a crew, and i am scared to leave it even for a day because i never want to lose what i've found here. in one year i have seen the very opposite ends of life. i've felt life-threatening despair. i found wholeness and openness. i have let my fear drive me to closeness and surrender to the intimacy and ongoing adjustments you have to succumb to in order to have tranquility flowing melodically. that would be seriously scary perfection if you get all that to jive constantly and in unison. i'm proud i've just swam in the waters.

it's insane that so much happiness can bring forward such a sadness. i guess i've actually found 'home.' for years i've been looking for a place to want to root down. i have definitely, completely found it in barcelona. i have a long way before coming back and finding my next HOME, and rekindling my friendships i've gone without for months (um, ok, a shot a jaeger and we'll be half way there... ;) ).

i also have a chest full of love for my new venezuelan brothers. i haven't shared an apt with people in a long time, and these boys had their moments... but when i think of them i think of all those evenings on the beach, singing and laughing, and always knowing they would take care of me first and foremost. i found myself somewhere between a girlfriend/sister/mom figure with them, and they let me in... even when i convinced them to change the wall color, furniture and lighting. they helped me with everything. they loved me from the moment i arrived. i don't ever expect to find a roommate situation like this again. and this is just another reason i sit here so melancholy tonight. ((poor me)) ((sorrrrrrry))

The Beatles
Lennon/McCartney

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.