Singha and Cigarettes

Hello from Bangkok, Thailand… the creepiest city I’ve ever been to. I arrived after midnight 2 nights ago and had a pre-booked hotel that I chose based on the Lonely Planet guide. They recommended the area I stayed in since it was one of the closest to the airport, even if is was some 35km away. The neighborhood is called Sukhumvit, or in English: Hookerville.

The hotel itself was fine and there were a lot of upscale hotels there, but it was the things people that lined the streets that made me uncomfortable and gave me severe anxiety. This neighborhood had small alley-like roads lined with vacant construction sites, 7-11s and massage parlors, and flooded with tuk-tuks, taxis, cars, bikes, people, dogs, cats… you name it. I don’t mind playing Frogger and coming from NY the traffic doesn’t really phase me. So I will focus on the other parts.

The main road was lined with shopping booths jammed into every inch selling random (cool) things, like light-weight comfy pants, t-shirts, thai god statues, fruit (coconuts with a straw - love!), hand-carved wooden dildos (really.), etc. And between the booths are some of the most beautiful young women dressed in the highest heels and shortest skirts. Around them I was invisible but the old white men were not. Let’s just saw the term ‘street meat’ took on a whole new meaning for me.

A handful of friends gave me tons of recommendations before I got here and one was to eat the street food. So I hunted down some street food and realized a English-speaking vegetarian with high food preparation standards is in for serious trouble if I’m going to venture to street food land. After my first attempt was made with (mystery) meat (that had been pre-cut and piled in plastic shopping bags sitting in the sun) a nice young Thai person helped me explain I wanted only vegis. The food lady had no problem with that and was more than happy to not clean the wok or use a different prep plate and make me vegi fried rice. Sweet.

While I was waiting for my rice this beautiful Asian woman dressed in high heels and a tight dress walked up to the booth and told her gorgeous daughter to say hi to the food lady. I couldn’t believe the eyes that were sunken into this stunning woman’s face. To say they were red and bloodshot would be quite an understatement. They looked more like they had been removed from her face, scrubbed with a brillo pad, and replaced. I’ve seen a fair share of people drugged up and this even shocked me. I think the most surprising part was that other than her eyes, she was perfect. Her hair was done perfectly and she had lovely posture. It was just… sad.

Okay so for the rest… I made a list of things that made an impression on me. Here’s that list:
- Massages. Everywhere, and CHEAP! I got a 1 ½ hour Thai Massage - probably the best I ever had - and it cost me about $12. Then later, when I was too nervous to go anywhere else, I got a 1 hour foot reflexology massage that cost about $10. Both in the same day. That’s how I roll.
a. Oil massages. Usually only about $3 more than a regular massage and are offered everywhere. They include a happy ending. I still haven’t figured out if it’s just for men, but I’m not about to try to find out.
- Old white men with gorgeous, young Thai girlfriends everywhere. Hey, I guess if I was a lonely old man I’d pay for it too. A week with one of these sweet little ladies has to be less than what they spent on meds each week.
- Very scared skinny dogs. There are more cats than dogs but the dogs all look horrified. I tried to buy dog treats but apparently they don’t sell them here. I walked down a street and found 2 dogs seemingly attached at the ass, under the tail. Like seriously attached. They moved together, together. I was seriously wondering if they were trying to protect their butts from the horny old white men.
- 7-11s are on every block and I can’t understand what any of the snack food is. All the labels are in Thai and have little cartoons on them. Where US 7-11s have gum on the counter, Thai 7-11s have KY Jelly.
- The only way I was able to settle down and calm my anxiety was Singha and cigarettes. I plan to use this tried and true method when necessary. Actually a Long Island Iced Tea (of all things - yes - I really did order that in Thailand) and a cigarette also worked, so I will keep that approach as back-up.
- English… not widely spoken! I know that shouldn’t be a surprise but I really just thought that since it’s such an international, large city it would be spoken more. Wrong. Oh, and signs in Thai are impossible to read if you don’t know Thai. Again, I should have expected it but I didn’t. As the only western woman on one of the alleys I was walking down a frustrated woman ran up to me and asked me, “Do you speak Australian?” I was very proud to be American at that moment.
- Speaking of Americans, why do so many older Americans travel to foreign countries wearing the American flag or camouflage on their shirts and belly bags? I just don’t understand it.
- The first person I spoke to when I arrived was my cab driver, who tried so hard to speak English to me but I couldn’t understand much. I did understand when he told me some of the streets were flooded. He said, “You know flood?” I told him I did. Then he said, “What the flood?” and laughed for the rest of the trip repeating it over and over. What the flood?

After a good sleep (thanks to that LIIT) I checked out today and got lost in Chinatown and I LOVED it. I’ve been in Chinatown in NY and SF yet this one was super exciting for me. The streets were also filled with speeding cars and tuk-tuks and lined with little shops and and street food but here it was much safer and more pleasant (I.e., no hookers. Visible). Chinatown is a maze of little streets with stores that sell shoes, DVDs, stickers, purses, hair bows, gold-plated coffins, gold necklaces, giant bags of mushrooms and rice and Chinese food.

After a day getting lost in Chinatown I’m sitting in the train station waiting for my overnight train to Chang Mai. I had some time to kill so I got a $5 1-hour foot massage and a $2 Pad Thai. I have the softest feet in Bangkok.