I'm a Weapon of Mass Consumption

Tuesday April 5: Vientiane, Laos

I arrived in Vientiane, Laos last night after a ferry, taxi, 2 planes and another taxi. I am so glad I came here. Immediately when I got off that tiny plane into a little airport, people approached me so kindly and warm, smiling and speaking perfect English. Offering services but not being pushy at all. It’s such a stark contrast from yesterday, when I got off the ferry that took me from Koh Phangan to Koh Samui (to catch my plane up here) and was swarmed by people in company polo shirts holding up maps and taxi prices trying to get me into their overpriced taxi (which I actually did out of sheer fear).

I have coined Vientiane, “Consumption Junction.” For me. I finished my fast/detox yesterday and last night did my very best job at re-toxifying. It definitely took a pathetically puny amount to do it, but for the first time in Thailand (!!… I am sofuckingold) I went out drinking with a cool group of (22yr old) kids and then went dancing. This morning I could barely scrape my ass out of bed to have breakfast before 11. But this is Consumption Junction. We consume here. So I powered on. In the elevator I met a cool guy from Santa Monica who invited me to join him and his friend for smoke. Cha-ching! So needless to say having a great morning, feel great and recovered from last night and consuming lots…. Of water. And espresso. And a yummy oatmeal raisin cooking.

The re-toxification process is well deserved though. I only did a 4 ½ day detox at Ananda Wellness Resort but it was no joke. Every hour I had to be at the Detox Bar or having a treatment, which was great because it kept me mildly busy. I’d start every day at 7:30 at the bar drinking (what I think was) a fiber drink. A hour later I’d take a handful of herbal capsules. A little later I’d have an hour massage, shake and then a colonic. The rest of the day was much of the shakes and herbs and then in the evening another colonic. I had 9 effing colonics in 5 days. If that didn’t flush out the shit (haha) lodged internally, nothing will.

On top of the regular detox I did a liver and gallbladder cleanse, and a treatment for parasites. All that means is I had a few other concoctions a few times a day. The interesting thing is I expected to feel like shit, and I never did. I mean, I was tired, yes. And one night after drinking ½ cup of olive oil mixed with lime juice, I was nauseous. Who wouldn’t be though. Other than that it was completely bearable. I wasn’t even hungry. Except the last night, knowing I could eat the next day. The little kid at fat camp came out in me and I found myself scheming to leave and get some potato chips (of all things). But I was strong!

I did dream every night about food. And once about smoking. And once that my parents bought me a house. None of that actually transpired, though. Unfortunately. (The house was super cool.)

In the end I lost 3 kilos, so about 6 pounds. Yeah! Beer belly be gone!

There was a yoga school attached to the resort and I took a couple classes, but they were 2 hour classes of the hatha nature, which means realllllly spiritual chackra stuff and standing still and feeeeeeling the energy. I love that at times but definitely not in that state.

Actually - no, I never love that. I’m lying. I get so bored. I know the point is to practice so you can train your mind to be still but I just don’t have the patience for it, to be honest. Definitely not when all the built up toxins and internal crap is pouring into my bloodstream and trying frantically to find a way out. I will say, the colonics I had after those classes were… dare I say… delightful!

The last night there the resort had a live jam-session which was really groovetastic. I couldn’t help but think of my mom and what she’d think. Sometimes I try to see things through her eyes, and I know exactly what she’d say and the look she’d give me. I am laughing right now, because I am picturing my mom’s ‘what the hell is this?’ look (which, I just realized, I copied and do the same look, so you will know hers if you picture mine). There were the African drums and a guitar played by shirtless, tan and skinny, long-haired, thai fisherman pant-wearing dudes. A sitar. A sax with a hot little lady ripping it up. And this shaman-type dude ‘singing’. Really it was more of a grunting in pitches held in long notes. Once in a while he sounded like an American Indian doing a ritual around a fire. (hOOwaaaaWhoOOooaaahhh, hOOwaaaaWhoOOooaaahhh).

Lounging around them on colorful, triangle thai floor cushions were dread-locked, happy, barefoot hippies, occasionally picking up a home-made instrument and joining in. In general, just totally blissed out zensters. The guy in front of me had this really cool piece of bamboo with (walnut?) shells roped around it so he was the cow bell. More (Cow) Shell! We were all held together by a lovely bamboo hut strung with lights and a (finally) clear sky.

My favorite though was this French guy who had a steel pipe about 3 feet long painted aqua-blue. From that he pulled out an almost identical pipe and fastened them together, so it was about 6 feet long. When he first started playing it like a didgeridoo he got my attention and immediately made me smile. Then when I thought it couldn’t be better he started beat-boxing using the mouth of the didgeridoo. And THEN he SOMEHOW managed to be playing the didgeridoo AND beat-boxing simultaneously. Brilliance!!! It’s not often I see something so unique and totally virtuoso and I was blown away.

(thank you thesaurus, ‘virtuoso’ - great word!)

I must go. Consumption Junction is calling. Ciao for now!